I was pacing circles around the house, looking in the mirror constantly. I seemed to need to keep reminding myself of how much I hated what I saw there, how much the alcohol was taking away my prettiness, hating myself even more for continuing to drink despite knowing this.
It was vanity and it was, well, I just wanted to stop hating myself for my choices.
During forced lockdowns, I had no distractions. My habitual choices were in plain view. Even with nowhere to go, no parties, no social events, no friends, nothing, I was still drinking every day. And every single day was exactly the same. Waking up feeling like shit. Blurry head. Unmotivated and even more depressed than when I went to bed.
I would force myself to do a little work but my head never felt like it was functioning right. It felt like I was spinning in place. And I couldn’t stop. My bad habits had never been so out in the open for me.
I hated what I saw in the mirror. It was someone that kept telling herself she was going to change and be different and when afternoon came around she would take any excuse to drink. “I’m stressed because of coronavirus. This is a very stressful time, why stop drinking now? This is not the time to stop drinking, I need this comfort. Why would I take away this only comfort in a moment like this?”
I wanted to numb myself. I wanted to get comfortable enough to be on a Zoom call with a friend and not HATE the fact that it could only be a Zoom call. I wanted to block out that I had no cuddles and no love for weeks.
Drinking was only making things worse. It didn’t help the stress. It didn’t relax me. It only made things worse, especially in the mornings when I couldn’t drag myself out of bed and I would hate myself for THAT.
I saw puffiness when I looked in the mirror. “If I could only stop drinking I could lose weight.” I was working out every day and drinking every night and getting nowhere. I forced myself to work out and exercise but then hate myself for drinking later and feeling like I undid the good work I did. I did not feel good in my body. And I hated myself for being stuck in this cycle.
I started to think about the times I felt the best in my body and they were times when I had done a special food sensitivity diet for two weeks that also included not drinking.
So I said, “Well, I can do anything for two weeks, I’ll try the diet and no alcohol again for two weeks to lose weight. This is actually the perfect time to do it – quarantine – when there is no social pressure to go out. I’m literally just drinking alone by myself to manage stress and numb my feelings around it and all it’s doing is making it worse.”
I didn’t drink that night. I woke up the next morning feeling great. I slept better than I had in ten years. Because every. night. for. ten. years. I have at least had one drink if not a couple. And it affects my sleep. ALOT.
AND I DIDN’T REALIZE THIS FOR TEN YEARS??
I made a decision that morning. I would brainwash myself. I wanted to change my mind and my beliefs and my habits around drinking. So I googled “alcohol free lifestyle blogs” and decided to read them every morning. And it has worked. I changed my mindset and my thought patterns around how I think about alcohol. I don’t want it in my life. I never want to give away my beautiful, lovely mornings again. Every morning I wake up happy from a good night’s sleep. I’ve learned tools to really learn how to treat myself and care for myself on a routine basis, so I don’t need to numb myself. I’ve learned how to manage stress in different ways. And how to explore all this through writing.
So I stopped drinking to look better, which is shallow, but I can’t believe how much better I FEEL. And I’ve since learned there are about a million other reasons to stop drinking. And that life just gets so much easier when it’s off the table.
And guess what? I actually like what I see in the mirror. I know I am doing my best to take care of myself. I look my best and feel my best. Every look in the mirror isn’t a constant reminder that I need to slow down. I don’t feel a huge sense of guilt about how I just someday need to quit drinking whenever I see how tired I look.
