While stuck in quarantine, lockdown, whatever the hell this is, I decided to quit drinking. I figure the slow exposure to social situations and the chance to build my “sober toolbox” will help me to navigate the unfamiliar landscape of life without alcohol.
Since it’s so damn slow to get back into “normalcy” during lockdowns, I have the opportunity to think through situations that might come up when I may be tempted to drink socially and how I might be able to handle them. When trying to quit drinking for the umpteenth time, I remember reading about a sober strategy about “playing it forward.” It is essentially playing the possible events of the night forward all the way to the end to think through the consequences that might come about from drinking. It’s supposed to make you see that it’s not worth the first drink. I’ve tried it in the past, and it never helped.
I just realized why. It was because I was always thinking about worst case scenarios, which doesn’t necessarily always happen. My thought process would usually run along the lines of: Sure, maybe I might end up naked, puking in a strangers bathroom after some sort of random wasted sexual encounter, or maybe it would just stay mellow, with a couple glasses of wine. Yes, maybe one of those worst case scenarios will happen, but maybe it won’t, so let’s drink and find out and have fun! The gamble for a chance to maybe enjoy a fun, mildly drunk evening always let the drinking win out.
But it hit me. There is something that will always happen – waking up feeling like crap.
I practiced playing it forward after I had a dream I was at a wine and cheese tasting. In the dream, I was there with a friend, conflicted around the drinking. The next morning I was thinking, this is actually a situation I need to think through, and since there is nothing else to do during quarantine, let’s ponder the hypothetical.
What is the normal conversation with the moderation monster? (This is what I’m calling the internal voice that tries to reason with me about alcohol). It would say to me: “Oh I can just taste wine and not get a little buzzed. This time, I won’t want to continue that feeling by going to get a drink after. I’ll be good and just drink a little and won’t wake up feeling like crap in the morning.” All these things always happen though. Every time. There is not a time these things haven’t happened. I would always wake up feeling like crap. Every. Single. Time. That moderation monster, it lies to me!
Thinking about the worst case scenario gave the moderation monster a case. Drinking doesn’t always end up in some disastrous nightmare, so the moderation monster would whisper, “this time will be alright, sometimes it’s fun, you can have just a couple, that’s worst case scenario you are thinking of, ending up naked puking in a strangers bathroom.” But you know what will always happen no matter how I play it forward? Chasing the buzz and waking up feeling like crap. No matter what. And that is not worth it to me anymore. Because waking up clear and happy is worth it. Every time.
